I’m terrible at this…

…at this blogging thing. I really I am. I’ve come to realize that. And yet I have the audacity to keep blogging.

you know it’s like all these things keep happening to me, really good blog material type stuff. stuff to cry about, laugh about, remember, many things that could be exaggerated and woven into wonderful pinocchio size tales, but no. the thots come and go and I let them. then i wished I’d blogged about them. didn’t though.

for example, i missed blogging about my grandpa, one of those who has passed on and took a big chunk of my heart with him. He passed away a year ago just a few days after Thanksgiving, and also just days after his 85th birthday. i was there for his birthday. i got to sit by him, kiss him, hold his hand, introduce my youngest and newest son. it was hard seeing grandpa that year. he was weak and getting ready to go Home -to the best Home he’d ever know, and he’s had a lot of good homes, you know. I remember staying up late the night before his birthday, till like 3 am I think, doing the only thing I felt I could do for him, writing. I wrote for him about my life and memories of him. the difference it made that he was my grandpa, because he was in my life and in my world. even as I finished writing it, i felt shy about giving it to him. I prayed so hard for bravery. thank God. it was one of those things I will never regret. I love you Grandpa. I wanted to say this weeks ago. I miss you. But I’m so happy for you THERE, where I look forward to being with you one day and spending long days with you. THERE!

So much more I’ve wanted to blog about too. So much. Gosh, my best friend Abi’s birthday came and went too. I could have blogged on and on just to say what an unforgetable lady she is. how much she changed me. her healing effect on my life. how good it was (is) to be her friend. You taught me that there really are SOME people in the world who just don’t have an angle. no games. you taught me what it means to love with all your heart. I love you Abi.

two nights ago i watched a movie that effected me. it really moved me. i don’t watch many movies. i think i’ve seen like 8 since June of last year. it was Cinderella Man. I don’t even care much for Russell Crowe (don’t stone me) but man, this movie still has me thinking. I didn’t realize how many sayings I use, very often in fact, that are related to boxing. Dad (D.B.B.) used them all the time in his letters too. It’s like they’ve all come alive to me all of a sudden. They mean more. I have this visual image that now accompanies them. I feel I understand now. They almost define my view of the Christian’s life.. fighting the devil, evil, perservering, enduring, and all… so many lessons. so much courage. so much fight. I also walked away from that movie feeling rich. counting my blessings. savoring the sweet feel of my sheets, blankets, pillow, my sweater, my kids warm hugs, every bite of food I eat. thinking twice before scrapping my plate. so mannnnnny, many things I just want to reach up and kiss God for giving me so freely every day.

now here’s why I don’t blog as much as i could and want to. I’m sometimes a perfectionist, and especially with writing I always want to put it just right. I worry about my grammar, misspellings drive me crazy and embarrass the hec out of me, so I can’t just type out my thoughts and hit “publish”… even when I do, i usually go back and edit it again, shaving off those extra words and wishing I knew how to say it just a little better.

real thoughts just don’t come polished like that. they come uncapitalized, mispunctuated, unpunctuated, they are sometimes poorly put yet well felt. mine are always. or most of the time. my thoughts just come, and sometimes, i wish I was just brave enough to post them “as is”. but doing that is like wearing your shirt inside out… which i think everyone should do on purpose, like my best friend Crystal S. did on a few occasions. I always loved her bravery. she was this friend who was always senstive to what I was going through… and then she had this magnificiently moody “who cares” streak.

i guess I’m wearing my shirt inside out right now. I can’t stand how it looks on me. I guess, or maybe, I’m just not used to it yet. but maybe it will grow on me, and maybe i’ll like how i feel in it. i’d certainly post a lot more.